Are there any good men out there?

When I’m in the initial stages of talking with clients, or when we’re having discussions in the Dating Evolved Facebook Group about online dating – a common refrain is that all the guys on the sites or apps are awful…

There ARE definitely a lot of decent men out there though - really! I know this because my clients regularly end up in relationships with them! 

But it’s very easy for us to get ourselves into a state of mind where we just think there are no good guys out there because of the types of men who pop up on our screens, or because of our past experience with men we met online.

But it’s also because of limits we put on ourselves.

What do I mean by this?

Ok. I’d like you to imagine the population of “good” single men out there, and we’re going to represent this population with a bowl of, say, 100 cherries. 

But for instance we might think: 

“I’m sick of guys who work in IT – I’ve had bad experiences with them, so I’m not going to date them” 

So that’s one lot of guys who are unavailable for you, and you’ll need to take a few cherries out of the bowl.

Or maybe you’d say:

“I’m only going to consider men who live in the same town as me – I don’t have time to travel long distances”

Another bunch of cherries come out.

Perhaps you’ve got a hard line on things like “having a university degree” or working in a particular range of professions, or having “good grammar”,

so you’ve just wiped out another bunch of good guys you could have potentially met because they don’t fulfil these criteria.

“I’m not interested in men who are under 6 feet tall”

SO many women say this!! But if this is you, you can take 90% of the cherries out of your bowl because most men aren’t that tall. And the few cherries that are left? You’ve got most of the single female population competing with you for those…

“I’m not going for a guy who’s too old, or too young for that matter” – again you might be limiting your options there.

And then some of the good guys are gay of course – so basically you’re left with no cherries and no potential good guys. The bowl is EMPTY.

The men that do get in front of you, the ones who manage to squeeze past your stringent criteria - there’s a reasonable chance they’re not the kind of guys that are good for a relationship…

IF you do this, if you put too many blocks in the way and then you think there are no good men, that leads you into a scarcity mindset. This is a bad place to approach dating from since there’s a good chance you’ll end up putting up with crap because you think there’s nothing else on offer.

It may well be worth trying to be a little more open minded about what you’re prepared to consider. See where you can compromise on the qualities you want, perhaps reserving judgement on some things until you get to know a guy. That’s going to increase the pool of potential dates out there for you.

I’m not talking about dropping your standards or “settling” – I’d absolutely advocate having a hard line on the qualities that really matter in the longer term: Things like being considerate, reliable, kind, honest, focussed on your happiness and wellbeing. But you can perhaps relax stringent standards on other things that we might consider “nice to haves”.

I mean, if a guy is lovely, considerate, handsome, has your back and makes you laugh every day – is it really going to matter if he’s an inch shorter than you? If you’d met him in real life, he’d likely win you over. But if you set your height limits too high online, he doesn’t even get the chance to audition.

And so what if he doesn’t have a university degree? Some of my clients have got into relationships with lovely men they describe as “self-made” businessmen – men full of vitality, ambition and intellect. You don’t need a degree for that.

As for bad grammar – I have a male friend who’s a PhD research scientist and an all-round fabulous guy, but he has dyslexia and can’t spell to save his life.

Have a think about what really matters, and see if you can lower your threshold on the more superficial “nice to haves” and let a few more good men through the door.

And yes, I get it when you say the selection of men on the dating app you’re on look far from desirable. But remember, you don’t have to just accept what the algorithm finds for you. Have a dig around and look at a wider range of profiles – and read the profiles! I’d recommend using a dating site that lets you do this as it’s not possible with all of them.

It may take a little time, but there are good men out there I promise :)

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

Really fancy some cherries now... 

Mairi x

PS. If you're ready to get going with finding your good man for a great relationship, feel free to book a complementary call with me and we can discuss how I can help :)