6 Excuses That Are Holding You Back From Finding a Good ManNov 09, 2023
Have you been talking yourself out of finding love?
It’s easy to find a multitude of excuses as to why we can’t find a decent man and so maybe we should just give up.
You might have come to the conclusion that actually you’re better off on your own. You’re far too busy to incorporate a man into your life, you have to concentrate on your kids, or you never come into contact with decent men anyway. The whole thing seems too risky and a waste of time.
Well I’m here to debunk all these excuses and remind you that you really do want to find a happy relationship with a guy who’s right for you.
I repeat - one who’s RIGHT FOR YOU!
The right guy will enhance your life in lots of different ways.
So now, I’m going to take down some of the most common excuses I hear from women I work with as to why they’re not getting on with the job of finding the right man and I’ll show you how you can turn things around.
1. There are no decent men out there
It’s easy to feel there are no decent guys – because we just don’t see decent guys anywhere. We don’t come into contact with them, so we don’t believe they exist.
But I’ve got news for you – there really ARE good men out there, but we don’t notice them because the ones who approach us, the ones who get in our face – whether that’s online or in real life – tend to be the players, the super-confident ones who are well practiced with women and don’t care that much what other people think.
The nice guys, the men who would make good relationship material – they might not be quite so confident, they DO care what people think and they’re more respectful. So for those reasons, they’re less likely to approach you. It’s not that they don’t want to talk to you – they’re more concerned that you might not want to talk to them.
It’s time then to make yourself more approachable to the good guys. So if you’re in a café, or a bar, or an event
(a) Make yourself available to talk to
- get off your phone
- arrive early
- don’t always go out in a group. Have a wing woman who knows to hang back where appropriate
(b) Get near him
Stand next to him at the bar, choose a table next to his – might sound obvious but you need to be bold and take any chances available if you don’t want to miss opportunities
(c) Make eye contact
If you catch his eye you might automatically feel the need to immediately look away. That doesn’t show much interest and you need to make it pretty obvious to a good guy that you’re interested before he gets it. When you make eye contact with him, hold that eye contact for a little bit longer than is necessary or normal – he should get a bit of a hint. Especially if you do it again. And smile – there’s nothing as inviting.
But of course you don’t have to wait for him to speak to you. We’re modern women – we can speak to men! I know it’s not exactly a revolutionary idea but a lot of women do see it as the job of the man to make the first move.
So speak to him!
2. I’m too fat
Or too thin, or too tall… whatever.
Ok this is no excuse!
We tend to have a very narrow idea of what is physically attractive, and research suggests that that’s because of what gets served up to us in the media. But in the real world, men vary hugely in what sort of look or body type they’re into and this comes down to their personalities, their own experience of the world and people, their own body size, their age, how tough their environment is.
The truth is, everyone likes different things, and whether you’re a big, voluptuous lady, or a wee skinny malink – there are a bunch of guys who are well into you!
Maybe you’re not so concerned about your body type but you worry that you’re too nerdy, or too hippyish, or too much of a fitness fanatic.
Well I’m here to tell you you don’t need to worry about that, because research shows us that these unique qualities, your quirks, your idiosynchracies – these things are far more important in being attractive to the guys who are into you.
Sure, if you’re super-intellectual and love to spend your time discussing philosophy – yeah you’re going to put a lot of guys off. But who cares. You don’t want them. For the men who are into your type of thing – they’ll be REALLY impressed.
So don’t hide yourself – be proud of who you are, and the right guys will love you for it!
3. I haven’t got time for a man
Women often say to me,
“I’d love a partner but I’m so busy - I just don’t know how I would fit them into my life!”
Maybe you feel like this. Perhaps you’re looking after an elderly parent as well as being up to your ears with work, or you want to prioritise your time for your kids.
Having a romantic relationship on top of all that can be incredibly draining IF you’re with a guy who keeps you on an emotional rollercoaster, one who doesn’t support you.
But if you’re with the right kind of guy – he’s going to have your back, he’ll HELP you, he’ll give you more time!
I’m speaking from experience here. I’ve had the difficult relationships – the ones that leave you emotionally exhausted. But having changed my search criteria and found a really good guy (who’s now my lovely husband) I now know that a good relationship creates energy.
A secure, caring man will support you with your challenges, he’ll have your back.
If you find a guy with the traits needed for a high-quality relationship (and I can show you how) you won’t need to choose between your man and your projects, or your kids – he’ll be on your side, helping you every step of the way.
4. Men prefer dumb women
Well actually, you’re right. Some men DO prefer dumb women.
But I strongly suspect these men are not the ones you want.
Some research that came out of California State University looked into what men are attracted to.
The research team had pictures of various women in various situations and contexts, and showed them to a bunch of male participants.
The women that the men found most attractive were the ones they perceived to look unintelligent, immature, drunk, promiscuous and young.
That’s a bit worrying!
And the reason they found them attractive, was because they perceived these women to be sexually exploitable, to be easy prey. That’s why they found them attractive.
But of course, not all men are out to exploit a woman. A follow up study showed that men as a group are reassuringly, much more nuanced and complicated than this.
So the follow-up study basically showed that the men who were accounting for this effect, the ones who were most attracted to women who looked sexually available or exploitable were ones who were (a) not in relationships, (b) had personalities low in agreeableness, which basically means that they’re lacking in empathy, and (c) were mostly inclined to have casual sex – that bit’s not really surprising.
Men who are out for a quick fling or a one night stand – they’re the ones who find less-than-intelligent women attractive. Because they think they’re more likely to get a woman like that into bed.
When men are on the lookout for a long-term partner though, they tend to be looking for something else entirely.
A man generally doesn’t want his long term girlfriend or wife to come over as sexually exploitable and available, because she might be sexually available to other men. So in the study, higher intelligence, less attention-seeking behaviour, being less promiscuous, were all associated with being more attractive.
The bottom line then: Men like intelligence in a long term partner.
That said, various research suggests that men are a bit overwhelmed by women who totally outsmart them – not all men, but a lot of men. I know you’re probably thinking – aw poor them. But the thing is, many men see their role as providers and protectors and if their woman is smarter than they are some men get left feeling like a spare part. It’s worth bearing in mind.
So y’know if you’re super-intelligent you might want to show some appreciation for the things he’s good at so he can feel smart too sometimes ;)
But anyway, in general men value intelligence when they get together with someone long-term.
So anybody thinking of acting dumb to attract a man, it may well work, but you might find you attract the type of man who is attracted to dumb women.
And perhaps you don’t really want that.
5. The idea of online dating gives me ‘the fear’
Yep I know where you’re coming from on this one. I remember when I was doing online dating and sometimes the guys on there were pretty scary looking and when they sent messages, they didn’t seem to have engaged their brain. Possibly other parts of their bodies, but not their brain.
But there are good guys online, and if you think about it, they’re probably having just as hard a time with the whole online dating thing as we are. Often we don’t see these guys because, just like in real life, it’s the players who are popping up all the time and doing the scattergun thing of sending out meaningless messages to see who they might be able to hook in.
Don’t waste your precious time on these guys.
One thing I’d suggest is getting specific with the things you say in your profile. Paint a picture of what an interesting, fabulous life you have and have him think how lucky he’d be to be part of it.
Rather than list the attributes you want in a man: honesty, kindness, … these tend to be pretty similar in all women’s profiles and won’t grab his attention – instead give him examples of stuff you do, and then challenge him to join you, or be able to keep up with you.
Rather than say you like travelling – tell him about the next adventure you have planned and ask him if he’d like to come or if he’s got a better suggestion. Tell him that you’re looking for a guy who can do X, Y or Z. And the right man will think “that’s me – I’m that guy” and he’ll want to get in touch.
So it’s a good idea to get some specifics into your profile – remember the stuff about uniqueness being important. And ask questions. That way, if a guy messages you without mentioning any of the stuff on your profile you’ll know he’s not serious about a proper relationship, he’s just using the scattergun approach.
But if he does message with an answer to a specific question or shows he’s really read your profile – well that’s a good first sign.
6. I only ever meet emotionally unavailable men
This is quite a common complaint. But I’d hazard a guess that it’s not that you only ever meet emotionally unavailable men, but that you discount the men who ARE more emotionally secure.
The secure ones who could meet your needs are there, but they maybe don’t seem so exciting.
What we call “emotionally unavailable” men are often avoidantly attached. This means they have a history of insecure relationships and they deal with that by keeping their partners at arm’s length and not letting themselves get in too deep. So they might behave like they’re besotted with you one minute, and then backing right off the next when you try to get close.
Think about this scenario – see if you recognise it: When you first get together with a guy you’re getting mixed signals. Your man is clearly interested in you, but he doesn’t do anything to make you feel like you’re ‘the one’. He takes his time about calling you. You’re not sure what his intentions are. And because he’s not being clear it gets you obsessing over the relationship.
Then maybe he buys you a romantic gift or takes you on a lovely date and says nice things and you feel, yes, he’s really into you after all. You end up going up and down on a roller coaster – going from feeling elated and in love, to feeling rejected and despondent and then back up again.
Many of us have a habit of mistaking all this craziness for passion and love. But it’s not love. Actually love is when you can enjoy peace of mind and know he’s there for you.
What you really need is a secure guy – this is someone who’s going to see your wellbeing as their responsibility and they’ll be a lot more consistent and reliable.
So you need to avoid the avoidants.
If he gets uncomfortable and backs off when you express your needs in the relationship then he’s likely avoidant.
And give a secure guy a chance. He might not seem as exciting at first but he’ll grow on you and you’ll stand a much better chance of having a relationship that makes you happy.
When you first get together with a guy, instead of asking yourself – “does he like me?”, “how can I be attractive to him?, a better question is “Does this man have what it takes to have a happy relationship with me?”
That’s how to find yourself a good guy!
So those are 6 excuses you can’t use any more to hold you back from finding a good man.
Do any of these points resonate with you? Let me know!
It’s not an exhaustive list of course.
So if your “excuse” isn’t listed – let me know, and I’ll get back to you with my thoughts in another post!
And if you’d like to check out my program or free resources just go to my website, datingevolved.com. And if you'd like a chat you can book a free call with me – I’d love to help you find your man.
Mairi Macleod PhD