Could you tell us a little bit about yourself Lydia?

I live close to Edinburgh, am 60, have two fabulous children and I am self employed providing a range of garden related services. 

Before you started the Dating Evolved Small-Group Program, where were you with relationships and dating?

My ex and I were together a long time and he is my children’s father. I often found him difficult to live with and had not been happy for a long time. Initiating and following through on our separation was incredibly difficult. I didn’t even consider the possibility of a new relationship until at least two years after my separation, and then it took another year to feel ready to do anything about it. Doing the Dating Evolved Programme was integral to believing it was possible to meet someone, and essential in developing the confidence to go looking.

Before starting the program, what do you think were your biggest challenges in getting going with finding a new partner?

I had fallen completely head over heals in love with my ex and our relationship developed very quickly. What followed was a long process of attrition in relation to my self worth and confidence, until I got to a point where I felt leaving was the only choice open to me. The first two years after our separation were about rebuilding a different life.

Although feeling much more confident in my life generally, I was terrified that I would make the same mistake all over again. What was going to stop me from falling for another charming man who wasn’t going to be good for me? I had no confidence in my judgement and felt very insecure about the whole process of trying to meet someone. Thinking about online dating was particularly scary.

How do you feel the Dating Evolved Group Program helped with this?

I accidently came across Mairi and Dating Evolved, and was intrigued, and did a couple of her free master classes which provided the encouragement I needed to sign up to the program.

The program provided a structured way to review my past relationship with my ex, reflect on myself and my needs, and think about what I might want from a new relationship. And importantly, what to look out for – so I could tell if men I met had potential for a good relationship.

What do you think was the most helpful thing you got from the Dating Evolved program? 

The most significant things I got out of the Dating Evolved Program were:

• Confidence in myself. That I am an attractive, desirable, interesting and intelligent woman. And, that it was essential to “be myself”.

• Help in getting proactive about finding the right kind of man for me: I smiled at strangers, struck up conversations, joined a Ceroc dance class, joined my local Ramblers group, signed up to Match and even approached a man I liked the look of in a café to see if he might be interested in a coffee. He was! I was also very proactive on Match and this is how I met the man I am with now.

• A confidence and belief I would meet a man who was right for me and that I would recognise those who could potentially be that man, without fear of making past mistakes.

• Clarity about my needs: A kind man with whom I could have a committed and exclusive relationship, and someone who lived no more than an hour’s drive away. And although I was not going to think or say ‘never’, I needed someone who was happy to be together without living together.

Do you feel that the Dating Evolved community was helpful in supporting you? 

Yes, the support of my pod group (from doing the weekly calls together) and the wider Dating Evolved Academy community was very valuable.  It was interesting to hear about other people’s experiences and learn from them. It was also illuminating to hear Mairi’s feedback in relation to what different women were experiencing.

The Dating Evolved Academy support was also really helpful in that I knew Mairi and the community were there for me if I needed to talk about what was happening or needed advice.  It was particularly important for me to have this back up to get out there and go looking for the right man for me. 

I know you did some online dating. Which app did you use and how did it go?

I signed up to Match and I was proactive and exchanging messages with quite a lot of men and meeting up with some I felt interested in. My messages picked up on the things that I liked about the man’s profile. I found that the majority of men I messaged did not get back to me which was frustrating, but otherwise didn’t bother me because I just said to myself that these men were not the right ones for me.

Anyway, I met quite a few men, most of them more than once. I found it very difficult to get a true sense of someone without meeting them 2 or 3 times.

It was a very time consuming, intense process. Identifying the men I liked the sound of, initiating conversations, arranging to meet up, meeting them, making an effort to get to know them, being determinedly myself, reflecting on the men I met. Mostly they were pleasant and courteous, although I did have one negative and slightly scary experience. I put myself in a vulnerable position, and unfortunately this particular man took advantage of this. I was OK but, for a while, it made me doubt my ability to make decent judgements about the men I was messaging/talking with.

A big question for me was about talking to and potentially meeting more than one person at a time. I felt comfortable about talking with, but not about meeting up with, two or three people at once. It seems to be more socially acceptable to see more than one person at a time but I found this difficult in relation to energy, time and honesty. Interestingly I sent messages to a good few men who politely declined chatting because they had just started seeing someone and wouldn’t feel right chatting with a different woman at the same time.

After about 4 months, I was at the point of feeling rather burnt out by it all and thought I would take a wee break. However, there were two last men I had ‘liked’ and messaged, and both messaged me back. One of them became the man I am in a relationship with now!

Can you describe how you started chatting with Michael and how things got going? 

As I said above, Michael and I started chatting on Match and fairly quickly met up.

We had lunch together in a pub, which was a friendly relaxed affair. I very much felt he was interested in me as a person and I enjoyed our conversation. After lunch I suggested a walk even though it was raining. He was up for this which warmed me to him. We walked and talked and eventually walked back to my flat where we shared a cup of tea and more conversation. I felt confident enough in him to invite him into my home, even though others might think this a bit risky. I enjoyed his company that day and we then decided to go out for an evening to a café bar with live music, which I enjoyed with him much more than I had expected.

Interestingly a young woman in the bar made a point of coming up to us just as we were leaving and was very forthright in asking if we were lovers! We explained that this was only the second time we had met! She must have seen something between us, I guess.

I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him at the start, although there was enough to interest me. It was a bit of a slow burn in that there was no huge spark of physical attraction for me when we first met, but there was something and I liked the feeling of it. Not long afterwards I went away for a holiday and we exchanged a lot of messages, I took lots of photos and shared my time away with him. And somehow, by the time I got back things had shifted to the point where we both wanted to explore what there might be between us. And we have been doing this ever since!

What’s Michael like? How is your current experience different from past relationships?

Michael is six years older years than me, he isn’t particularly tall or conventionally good looking and I cannot relate to some of his interests. BUT I have become incredibly attracted to him, we have wide ranging conversations about anything and everything, things are very relaxed between us, we are interested and curious about each other, we support each other and have fun together.

He is a kind, good man and definitely has my back. And most importantly I feel safe, loved and cared for in a way I have never felt before. The biggest difference between my current experience and my previous relationship is that I feel no anxiety around Michael at all, it is just easy and good.

Do you think you’d be in this relationship with Michael if you hadn’t gone through the Dating Evolved program?

NO! I don't think that I would have properly considered Michael if I had not been through the Dating Evolved Program. Having a better understanding of what I needed and what I was looking for, and remaining focussed on that beyond anything else made me more open to possibilities with a wider variety of men.

Where do you feel your relationship with Michael is going?

We have been together for just about a year and it has gone very fast. We plan ahead together in relation to things we want to do, including holidays together. We are getting to know each other’s families and friends.

Being together but living apart seems to work well most of the time but, sometimes, it is harder than we anticipated because we can miss each other a lot. The plan is to keep going, and keep loving and enjoying each other for the foreseeable. 

How would you describe the change in your life since you went through the Dating Evolved program?

I already knew I wanted a new, different kind of relationship and this is what I now have thanks to the Dating Evolved Programme!

I am so much happier and more relaxed than I have ever been in any other relationship, and have rediscovered how wonderful sex is with a kind, caring partner who makes me feel incredibly loved, safe and desirable.

Do you have any advice for women who are looking for a partner and are perhaps afraid to get started, or feel like it’ll never happen for them?

Yes, I would wholeheartedly recommend Mairi’s Dating Evolved Program. It made all the difference to me. I never would have plucked up the courage to do online dating without it!

Online dating isn’t the only way of meeting potential partners, but it is significant. It worked for me and I would recommend including it in your strategy.

In my experience, however you go about meeting people success will come through being yourself, being clear about the kind of partner you need, and then being persistent, open and non judgemental in your search for the right person. There are men out there who are lovely and I did meet a good few of them, but you have to put time, energy and effort into the process of finding one of them.

Going through the Dating Evolved program and knowing I could count on the support of Mairi and the other women in the Dating Evolved Academy was absolutely key to me finding my wonderful man!