Why don't men turn up to singles events? And where you WILL find them...

During our group catch-up call in the Dating Evolved Group Program the other night, one of the members told us that she’d joined a singles club - with hope in her heart -but it just wasn’t what she’d expected. She sounded super-frustrated and fed-up when she said:

“Why don't men turn up to the events in singles groups? They join the club but they don't turn up - are they just lazy?

Another member added that she'd tried a speed dating event recently and there were twice as many women as men. And the men that were there were so old it seemed like they were at death's door!

It’s such a common problem, especially for older age groups, and one that must give the organisers of any kind of singles event a headache. There are almost always more women than men, unless the organisers cap the numbers for each sex, meaning of course that tickets for women are in short supply.

Then the problem tends to be that while different women turn up to each event, the men tend to be the same ones popping up over and over.

I have my theories about why this happens – a bit of speculation mixed with what we know from the science of sex differences, plus some input from actual men, which y’know is useful.

I suspect men’s reticence with this stuff is less to do with being ‘lazy’ and more to do with the fact that on average, they’re less inclined to socialise generally than women are. Men haven’t depended over evolutionary time on their social networks to the same extent as woman have, so they tend not to put the same time and effort into maintaining this social support.

The result is then that men – especially older men - are less likely to have friends who will encourage them to go to these events, or friends to actually go along with them in a pair or a group like women often do. So unless they’re really determined, men are less likely to summon up the gumption to get out there. It’s more uncomfortable and it’s less fun if you’re on your own.

I’m not saying don’t go to singles events though. Do go! I met Rob, the man who’s now my husband, at a singles night in a bar in Edinburgh.

That evening, when I walked into the event with my pal, I remember being struck by the distribution of men and women in the venue. The girls were all in a couple of gaggles at the bar, while the blokes were spread out singly throughout the rest of the space, as if they were each guarding a table to themselves. I could almost hear Sir David Attenborough’s voice in the background…

“And here we have the males of the species, staking out their small territories, nursing their pints of beer, and throwing meaningful glances in the direction of the gregarious females in the hope that one of them will be impressed with their plumage and make an approach…”

Incidentally I did make an approach. Nothing would have happened otherwise!

Another reason men often avoid events specifically organised for singles may come down to the direct way men compete with other men – which is different from the more covert competitive behaviours that women display with each other (we do - often without even being consciously aware).

As a result of this direct competition men tend to have bigger egos than women – what better way to get others to think you’re better, stronger, more attractive than them than to believe it yourself - and that makes it harder for a lot of men to admit that they might need a bit of help in finding a partner.


This overt competition among men also means it’ll strike fear into their hearts (particularly the empathetic ones) to walk across that floor and speak to a woman – especially an attractive woman who’s with a group of others – because if he gets rejected he’s going to be crushed. And right in front of all the other guys…

I would absolutely advocate going to singles events, because I know from first-hand experience that they have the potential yield great outcomes, if you’re prepared to be a bit proactive.

But of course it’s no panacea and I would prioritise instead going to events/clubs/classes where men go.

So where DO they go?

Some kinds of sports clubs are a good bet: golf, skiing, tennis, kayaking.

Music-based clubs, although don’t go to a choir expecting to find a man because they tend to be at least 90% women!

Even the cliched stuff like car maintenance or DIY. There’ll definitely be a pile of men there and you’ll learn some useful stuff.

There are tons of possibilities – for some ideas to get you going see my blog post on this.


Men, on the whole, like DOING things rather than just being somewhere and chatting face-to-face. And to be honest, plenty of women too would rather meet others in a less high-pressure environment, so it’s worth trying out places where you can get to know others gradually while you’re all focussing on a common activity. It’s a good opportunity to see how people interact with others and potentially grow to like them before having to decide about whether there’s any romantic potential.

Of course, all these things – finding a suitable club or class, getting to know people, working out who’s single – this all takes time, and singles events can be a good shortcut to finding someone eligible.

Have YOU tried any events specifically for singles? I'd love to know your experience! Email me at mairi@mairimacleod.com

NB. For more help and advice on dating over 50, including invitations to our free masterclasses, sign up to receive my FREE NEWSLETTER, or book a time for a 30min complementary call with me so we can have a chat about the help you need - I’ll give you a couple of personalised tips to get going with right away :)